The Vampire Diaries: Know Thy Enemy Review

'Know Thy Enemy'
Honey, I'm home...

So we’re back (finally) and so is my weekly shock stop review. I review as I watch, so prepare for some gasps, screaming, and possible maniacal laughter. You’ve been warned kids.

Previously on the vampire diaries: WE HAD TO WAIT FREAKING AGES FOR A NEW EPISODE. Also, werewolves, vampires, magic rocks, doppelganger hijinks – you know, the usual for Mystic Falls… Oh and Mommy showed up, for fun, naturally…

Ah yes, and we’re straight back in with Jenna’s awkward moment of the year award. Someone help her with her jaw, it just looks uncomfortable and slightly unhinged.

Oh good lord Isobel, you’re just loving dropping these bombshells aren’t you? ‘Again’ ‘you’re the woman who’s dating my husband.’ Someone give me a cushion to hide behind until the awkward moments GO AWAY.

Props to Jenna – thirty seconds in and already I may cry. It’s always scarier when it’s quiet – screaming never gets me in the same way. I think she needs a hug.

“I did what I had to to get out of the tomb. Now I’m reconsidering my lines…” This review is most likely going to be filled with OMG I MISSED YOU moments. Consider yourselves forewarned. OMG I MISSED YOU KAT. I also love how peeved she always gets whenever anyone asks her anything. It’s like no one should be allowed to speak to her unless they’re going to be whispering naughty things into her ear. “I know I want Klaus dead, which puts me firmly on team you.” I thought you’d already pledged your allegiance to ‘team them’ Kat? Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

“Why don’t you call Alaric and let him know his wife’s just showed up on his girlfriend’s doorstep.” I FREAKING LOVE THIS SHOW. Although I wish the words ‘dead’ and ‘clueless’ were in there too.

Ah yes the awkward, I came onto you and you tossed me off the bed moment. Don’t we all know what that feels like.

Anyone else find that moment incredibly awful. ‘Hey Elena, we’ve got to fix this!’ ‘Yeah Ric, we really should!’ Nervous head bobbing and staring at the stairs. SHE’S A STUDENT RIC, BOUNDARIES!

“I don’t have it in me to hear any more lies from you.” Glare. Door slam. Oh thank god, finally she’s getting there. *does a victory dance*
Although I really don’t want her to run off – there’s so many more bombshells to drop yet!

Also, kill Uncle John – thanks.

YES! I love Ric. Fact.

“You know this is your fault, right?”
“Right.” How is it that he accepts a teenage girl putting him in his place but doesn’t take it from anyone else?

CAROLINE! I MISSED YOU BABY! And the saga of clueless humans continues… Only now they’re partially less clueless and potentially reaaaallly dangerous…
P.S I want Caroline’s super clever car. Someone buy me one.

*confused faces* why must we come downstairs to talk to you when we are all right here and are actually exchanging words now?

Oh right, because we want to play happy families with the most messed up parents on the planet! Hi Isobel! Oh crap, that means she has free reign of the house… Quel sigh – when will these people ever learn??

“You don’t get to talk, Ok?” I love Elena’s sassy attitude – she’s gonna fetch the whips and gags out of the Lockwood cellar any minute now when UJ makes his next wrong move…

OOOO these parents are so convincing in their wanting to help – but I just don’t trust them. Even if they do make a very convincing argument. But at least Elena isn’t taken in… Although buying her a house would be an excellent idea Stefan – surely you are literally made of money after all this time?

DAMON. Ahem. Moment over.

“Great, we’ll have to put that on our list of things to do today – harness ancient dead with power.” I take it back, my Damon moment is SO not over.

“Are we going to have to read through every one of these books?” Aw Jeremy baby – none of your other girlfriends required this much intellectual work, is your poor weed addled brain struggling? Sorry, slightly mean, but seriously, could he sound less enthused at being roped into this?

I love Bonnie’s witchy mojo – it’s so cool! Also, her hair is way prettier after hiatus than it was the night before…

Hm – so laying low didn’t work out as a plan for very long then Kat… Guess she just likes playing too much to be truly useful. Sigh.
WHY IS THERE HUGGING? WHY IS THERE SMILING? This just looks wrong on Katherine…

OH THEY ARE ALL SUCH A BUNCH OF POOEY LIARS! Seriously, at this rate I may as well just leave caps lock on for the rest of the episode. Why do they all insist on lying to each other, it makes it so much harder to keep up…

There is something inherently disturbing about Kat and Issy drinking wine and girl chatting about jealous feelings for old husbands. It’s like Damon and Ric talking about spunk. Just plain wrong.

Hm, so based on that I trust UJ a little more even though he is still a douche who needs to be punched at least once an episode to keep him in check. Isobel is still a bum who is working for god knows who’s best interests – and Kat is, well, still on Team Kat. It’s a good side. Can’t say I really blame her.

This sounds more like a gossip girl episode than a vampire diaries one the longer this scene continues. I am officially freaked yet mildly amused.

“I think you should just stay here, it’s easier for us to keep an eye on you.” WHILST YOU SLEEP AND WE STROKE YOUR PRETTY HAIR…
“What? In the house that any vampire can enter?” HA! Score one for team Stefan/logic. “Her house is safer.”
“Well then we’ll stay there.” Damon you are taking stalking to whole new levels of weird. You’re almost at the Edward Cullen level – only with better sarcasm.

I love that Kat comes in and suddenly it becomes the sitting room of talking via eyebrows.

“Don’t mistake the fact that we haven’t set you on fire in your sleep for trust.” I take it back Damon, you are way cooler than Edward Cullen.

Totally on Mrs Lockwood’s team right now. Where is Tyler? I want him back? There has been a distinct fall in shirtlessness since he left.
Side note – Elena wears scruffy so much of the time it’s moments like this that prove she really scrubs up well.
Also, I miss Matt. Caroline, find him quicker.
Neurotic Caroline is back!
Also hint of bitchy Caroline! Play nice, they’re going to help you!

“How do you know where the witches were burned?”
“Cos I tried to save her.” Duh – just because I go around killing people just for fun and cos I’m bored doesn’t mean I’m a complete loser. Damon, if you only show your heart of gold to people you compel to forget its existence, no one will ever believe you have anything other than a snarky mildly psychotic side.

Everyone please take a minute to just admire Damon striding around looking moody in a black leather jacket. My life has been incomplete without this on my Thursday nights. Thank you – moment over.

Hold on, back up, I was distracted by the broody striding. They burnt the witches in a HOUSE? A House that is STILL STANDING? Surely that would make it magical flames, which is IMPOSSIBLE because they were BURNING all the WITCHES. My brain hurts. I really hope they actually burnt them outside…

Haha, scathing look to the human who jumped at the loud noises. C’mon Damon, not everyone is made of Pure Sex Appeal, and thus impervious to being frightened – cut the boy some slack. Although you’ve stopped asking why he’s hanging around you, so I suppose that is progress.

AHA. Watch the muscles strain through his shirt as he’s stuck! Sorry, it’s because I haven’t had a Damon fix in a while, the mooning will calm down in a little while.

“My ring’s not working – do something.” He’s burning, do it faster Bonnie! The prettiness must not be marred!

“I’m gonna go wait outside…” Sorry I’m just having a sniggering moment.

Excellent – pervy time on Damon’s bedroom.
I want a closet like that please, right after Caroline’s car.
How many watches does he have???
Ha, stealing his money? Really Kat, you stoop so low? Suppose it shouldn’t really surprise me…

You have to give her points for thoroughness. But you also have to take points away for Damon hiding it in his SOAP BOWL. It’s a rock, you cannot confuse the two… Sigh…

Isobel, mistress of head messing. Seriously, between her and Kat they could really cause some serious damage… Also, Ric stop smiling when you’re talking to her. You’re supposed to be thinking about what a mess you’ve made of it with Jenna and ordering a lot of flowers. I see no flowers.

WHAT? Seriously, I need something more than caps lock to express my holy crap what the hell just happened. We may have to move on to bold font.
Seriously, what the hell? Why is that guy doing the mojo head thing that they do on vamps and wolves? I don’t want Ric to die? And since when is there a new witch in town? And he looked a lot like a bat when he swooped up from behind… Just saying…

“Want to hurry it up in there?” No Damon, they are blatantly using this time to make out.
P.S. witches really hate you. Might want to work on that.
P.P.S “Screw you too” may not be the best way to do that… Oooo yeah, and naming Emily specifically? Do you have a death wish? Do you not remember who spelled your ring? Sigh.
P.P.P.S You are a douche for leaving them alone. Or a scaredy cat. I like to think it’s the latter.

“Are you worried about me?” Did someone hit Bonnie over the head with something heavy? When has Jeremy not been worried about her over the last few episodes? Did the trying to get himself killed to save her just not do it?

Told you they were making out…

I have a really bad feeling… I’m gonna go turn the lights on…

That’s right Jeremy, follow her, she’s probably possessed. You’re probably both going to die. And then they’re going to go after Damon. The End. No?

“What is it?”
“Nothing.”
KABOOM. That doesn’t look like nothing…

On a side note, love how this has been shot. Very creepy, and very cool.

WHAT THE FRAK. There’s different levels of distraction, didn’t anyone ever tell Isobel this? She could have yelled look a badger with a gun instead of biting him! She really is full of what the hell today isn’t she.

On the flip side, pushing him down the stairs was a genius plan… You have to give her points for style. 

Ha, loving the looks on some of the extras faces. I’m not confused, bewildered or scared at all, in fact I’ve just been told to get up, so I will, and look incredibly bemused by the whole thing.

*FLAIL* This is not good… This is very not good…

Gotta love Stefan’s pretending he has no idea it’s a vampire bite, followed swiftly by my I smell trouble afoot face! Go find Elena! GO GO GO.

Oh phew, thank goodness, I was worried Stefan was being clueless. Should give the boy some more points, he’s on logic fire today.

OH POO. They just keep getting meaner and meaner and doing REALLY BAD THINGS. But they’re kind of making me smile at the same time, cos it’s so freaking awesome. Although wasn’t he supposed to have been building up a tolerance to Vervain so this exact thing would never happen…

Okay, that was genuinely a little bit terrifying. Who knew that force fields would apply to Jeremy as well as Damon today. And those voices? *shudder* creepy.

“How is he?”
“He’s dead.”
WHAT??? I know he was peeving me, but he was so cool in weirdly creepy irritating kind of way! He can’t be dead!

Oh yeah, forgot about the ring. Damnit. I’d just gotten used to the idea of him being dead. Sigh.

HA. I’m loving this. Damon casually moving currently dead bodies around like it’s something he does every day… And the women just stood gaping at him.

MATT!!!!
Oh he does tortured and brooding so well.
Oh he looks positively feral. Is it bad that this is totally doing it for me? Where’s Caroline, I think we need some roughhousing between the two of them to patch up all their problems.

How much fun do you reckon they had filing Damon hauling UJ around?... Just as a matter of interest.

Ha, love the look of disgust when Damon realizes he’s got blood on his clothes.
Yes. Stripping. Thank you writers, we love you right now.

Topless and peeved. Please let him rip all of his shirts in his anger and desperation to get out to save her…

ANOTHER TWIST? My poor brain. Also, Katherine’s chances are not looking good… And does this mean Isobel was actually protecting Elena?...

Oh that was such a cute moment when she saw him in the house. A little creepy that he’s somehow potentially broken in, but you know, cute. I think all of the men in Mystic Falls have been reading Twilight over the hiatus.

Oh thank god he didn’t blab about Caroline. That would be one mess to much for this week.

(well at least we know he didn’t break in or have a key made or something.)

Oh this is so heart breaking. It was when it started last episode, and I get that he needed time to cool down, but I’m still a little grumpy that they left it so long before bringing him back for the two of them to resolve. But now they’re doing it I’m just going mushy instead.

“How much power can you draw from a hundred dead witches?”
Ok when she started that, I was less than impressed, because hell, she and Luka could make it windy just between the two of them, but actually, that got pretty bad ass. And about time too, Bonnie’s power has always kind of stayed somewhere in the middle with me. Some weeks it was cool, some week it was less so. Some times she could seem to do more and then the next very little. And it all involves exactly the same things which could get a little repetitive. But I really like where this is potentially going. It certainly looks pretty cool just from this.

Jeremy looks way too happy that she’s suddenly become ridiculously powerful, and possibly a little drunk off the power. This does not bode well.

Do we think the boys did any bonding on this mini road trip? They certainly managed to find a shirt. *grumble*

Who are all these yummy boys Isobel keeps springing on us? Does she just collect them instead of trendy outfits? Because seriously, whilst the men are yummy, the clothes are not.

Oh good, we’ve reached the morbid part of the day trip – lets stare at our own graves. It’s like muppets Christmas carol, only I don’t think any of this is going to turn out to be a bad dream…
Isobel really creeps me out. She’s more erratic than Damon. She swings from cold hearted bitch, to bonding over tombstones faster than anyone else we’ve met.

WOAH, WHAT THE?????

I did not see that coming. Not even a little bit. Also, kinda perversely pleased that we’ve finally seen one of them get burned to death by the sun. We’ve been teased with little bits, but as far as I can remember we’ve never seen the whole thing.

That whole bit is just eerie. The peace you get from her when she says she’s done. The fact that Klaus doesn’t actually want Elena yet, but he obviously knows she exists. The fact that she was compelled to do all of that – it still creeps me out that even vamps can be compelled. And the parallel to what Isobel herself was doing in Season 1 when she was sending messages to Elena and then they’d kill themselves.
And kind of fitting that she burns to death on her own grave.
P.S. Elena, pick up that pendant, I have a feeling having a spare one of those lying around the house could prove to be useful.

“I’m all alone.” Oh god, we’ve known that for ages – it’s so weird for Matt to finally be recognising this for himself. And so completely heart breaking.

Aw Matt. I’m so glad he found out, and I’m actually kind of glad he’s forgetting again. Cos we got to see him wig out, he knew for a bit, and he decided not to. But at least now that’s his decision, and not anyone else’s, so I personally am really happy with how this has turned out.

EXCELLENT. Stefan was paying attention this morning. And whilst this is less cool than going house shopping, it’s pretty awesome that Elena will be whipping the Salvatore brothers even more.
‘I own your heartz and your house.’

“That way you can control who gets invited and who doesn’t.”
“Although I’ll be super pissed if you lock me out.” OMG YES PLEASE. That would be an awesome side note episode. The one where Elena locks Damon out and has a party in his bedroom.

John’s back! Ric does the coming back from the dead thing with a lot more finesse.

Damon wanna play… I don’t think Damon wants to let him go, I think he wants to rip off his arms and chase him round the garden whacking him with them…

I think Elena is slowly morphing into Katharine. ‘I call the shots, I own your house, I control everything you do. Kneel before me bitches.’

Has no one thought to let Jeremy know he is now living in the empty house of unsafe?...

Hm, well we now know who one of the major contenders for one of the coveted hot spots of death is going to be. Welcome Bonnie!

I love how strong Bonnie’s become, she’s come a long way from the timid girl who stared at guy’s backs at the start of this show. And although Jeremy is being kind of cute, it’s nice that she’s not just letting him decide everything for her. Even if it may you know, result in death and destruction and him losing his third girlfriend in a grisly way…

MATT NO, HOW COULD YOU??? I hate you a little bit right now. I really liked the resolution we just reached, and now you stole it from me. STOLE IT. And we’re back to square one with Mommy Sherriff. Do you know the problems this caused the first time round Matt? No of course not, you were being cute and clueless. Urgh I could throw things at you right now.

Seriously grumpy with the two of them right now. Although yay for more conflict. And yay for the Salvatore dungeons getting more use when we inevitably either have to kill these two or wipe their brains.

Hm, family bonding time? For real this time? UJ looks too shell shocked for me to think he’s lying this time. Mind you, they’ve all fooled me in the past, so don’t hold me to it.

Anything you say?... Hows about we sort out Jenna? Or has everyone else forgotten about her in the pantomime of the day?

Is it wrong that I’m kind of glad that Elena didn’t send UJ packing and he might end up fighting on their team at the end?

Uhho… So she’s minus a magic necklace and who might that be hooked up to a weird blood machine and a magician with his back to the camera?...
*gasp* was not expecting Ric… And somehow this just does not bode well for things going vaguely right over the next few episodes.

So what is he?!? HOW IS KLAUS IN HIM???? I am so confused and quite freaked right now…

Oh this all just got even more twisty today.

That was a totally brilliant come back. It didn’t have me sobbing, but it had a lot of OMG what the hell just happened there, moments, which was awesome. It had shirtlessness! It had sad bits! Family reunions! And people bursting into flames! What more could you want?

Only thing I’m peeved about really is that Jenna runs off within the first two minutes. I kind of get why, and there were a lot of storylines to try and deal with this episode, but it still felt like a bit of a cop out considering we’ve had six weeks to fantasise and stress over it.

There were quite a few big shockers today that I totally wasn’t expecting:

1)      Isobel spontaneously combusting on her own grave. Poetic justice or what?

2)      Matt being a bum and ganging up on Caroline with Mommy Fforbes.

3)      Ric channelling Klaus.

Some bad things are so going to be going down next episode…I think I need to rewatch it because my brain is tired and mushy and there was a lot to take in, but a solid episode, a great comeback, and a fantastic start to the downward spiral we’re heading into…